Daily Text 12/29/2016

"And a three-fold cord cannot be quickly torn in two, unless one of the cords realizes that the supposedly BIG cord is actually invisible, and the other cord is obsessed with the invisible cord, and it's more interested in being wrapped around that one than the one that's actually real." - Divorces 3:15

The surest sign that we are in God's spirit-directed organization is the fact that whenever anyone leaves their life is thrown into turmoil. Some vile, wicked apostates may claim that the turmoil is caused by the organization and their practices, but that would be folly on their part.

After all, God's organization encourages us to wrap our entire lives around a religion to the exclusion of anything else, and then makes sure that anyone who doesn't want to be there is completely and totally shunned. They also make sure to pick at relationships between believers and non-believers until the believers truly believe there's something wrong with their spouse, while also isolating them from the people who truly care about them unequivocally. I forgot where we were going with this, but anyone who says we wreck marriages is lying! No take-backsies.

Daily Text 12/23/2016

"So E'hud came to him as he was sitting alone in his cool roof chamber. Then E'hud said: “I have a message from God for you.” So he rose up from his throne. Then E'hud drew the sword from his right thigh with his left hand and plunged it into his belly. The handle went in after the blade, and the fat closed in over the blade, for he did not draw the sword out of his belly, and the fecal matter came out. E'hud went out through the porch, closing the doors of the roof chamber behind him and locking them." - Judges 3:20-23

Are we not grateful for some of the Assassin's Creed shit that goes down in the Bible? We can surely we grateful for a sweet-ass action sequence, and the one-liner is boss, I'm not going to lie to you.

It is telling that Ehud has not been seen together with Batman, nor has Batman been seen with any of the other faithful men of old. Does this mean that Ehud is a prophetic representation of Batman? We are wise not to speculate, but since we're the Society, we're going to strongly insinuate that it could be, then when you actually teach it we'll firmly deny it, then print a pissy article where we wonder where someone would have gotten such a crazy idea because it wasn't us, no sir.

Daily Text 12/20/2016

"And so God called the whole of Israel together, especially the young people. Then he started talking about which kinds of sex practices were improper. And everyone got really uncomfortable, but no one said a thing, because they were in fear." - Consternations 46:32

The faithful and discreet slave has seen fit to provide much edifying material in this time of the end. They especially have seen fit to harp on sexual activities, and have taken great pains to specifically call out oral and anal sex in Bible discourses where young ones are present. This is an excellent thing in the eyes of our God!

Our hearts surely swell with an uncomfortable feeling when the speaker sort of avoids eye contact during these parts of the discourse. It's even better for our young ones when this is their first exposure to these concepts, all through the guise of protecting them! Quick, don't think about sex! HAHA YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT. YOU ARE NOW UNCLEAN.

Daily Text 12/16/2016

"But if anyone thinks he is behaving improperly by remaining unmarried, and if he is past the bloom of youth, then this is what should take place: Let him do what he wants; he does not sin. Let them marry." - 1 Corinthians 7:36

Are we not grateful that we have such a nebulous concept as "the bloom of youth" to guide our decisions on when we can start dating? It is truly wonderful that some paid very close attention to the concept of the bloom of youth, delaying dating until they were 23 or 24, and others just went ahead and dated WHENEVER.

I mean, not that we are bitter. It is perfectly fine to wait for the chance to date while you watch other eligible people your age getting picked off like the American soldiers in Hacksaw Ridge. Meanwhile, we worked hard, stayed above the fray, all in the hope that we would find a spiritual person, and meanwhile Cindy went ahead and got married to Gary. I mean, it was fine. Really it was fine. Gary seemed like a nice guy.

I mean, Gary has a small penis. It's just something I heard. Not that it would matter to you, CINDY, since you never dated anyone else. You probably think it's fine. You would have no frame of reference, Cindy. You could have waited for me, Cindy. You know, the elders always told me the bloom of youth wasn't just when you hit 18, CINDY. They told me that I needed to be spiritually mature. But not Gary! No, not Gary. Gary just saunters right in and sweeps you off your feet.

Are we not glad that most Jehovah's Witnesses marriages end in divorce? Think about that, CINDY.

Daily Text 12/13/2016

"And so God shoved 10 million species of animals into an ark. He regarded his work and it was adequate. 'Either that,' said He, 'or I put, like, 10,000 in and then make them rapidly evolve, and that would be CRAZY.' Then he killed everyone by drowning them." - Genesis 14:18

Does not the story of Noah fill our hearts with gladness and joy? Do not our hearts swell with love and appreciation when we consider that, not only did God murder all the sinful humans, but also the animals that really had nothing to do with any of this whole Adam/Eve/Satan thing? Imagine their last, terrified breaths as they uncomprehendingly sank beneath the waves, completely unaware that they were pawns in some demented universal chess match. Such kindness!

Either that, or the whole thing was a myth. But that explanation would make sense! So all righthearted, loyal ones do not believe that. Instead, we put our faith in the concept that God hates evolution, except when he does it, and then it's cool.

Daily Text 12/9/2016

"Ok, fine, be gay, but no butt stuff." - Anthony Morris 6:9

Do not our hearts fill with joy when we think of the homophobia required to be one of Jehovah's true servants? It is especially so when we see more research done on homosexuality than ever before, which has led science and the world at large to conclude that it's a normal part of nature, and therefore poses no threat to anyone.

That means that we as Jehovah's only true people must put ourselves through outstanding mental gymnastics to prove that it's still somehow wrong, like still insisting that AIDS is proof that it's unnatural (my mother truly believes this) or smugly stating that it's "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Little do we realize that this means we now have more in common with other ultra-conservative groups than ever before.

We can be especially proud of our brothers and sisters who are constantly depressed and attempt suicide because they feel that Jehovah doesn't count them as worthy. How grateful we are that they have chosen to live a lie all of their lives in the hopes of some nebulous reward that won't come and they know it, as opposed to living the way they want, and getting a reward that comes.

Daily Text 12/7/2016

"He went up from there to Bethel. As he was going along the way, some young boys came out from the city and began to jeer at him, and they kept saying to him: "Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!" Finally he turned around and looked at them and cursed them in the name of Jehovah. Then two she-bears came out of the forest and tore 42 of the children to pieces." - 2 Kings 2:23, 24

Are we not joyful when Jehovah condones horrific violence against children? It especially warms our hearts when we think, really, really think about what it's like to be killed by a wild animal. Think about the terror in these children's hearts as they're fucking eaten by goddamn bears, the screaming and pain that they endured just because they happened to call Elisha bald.

With that in mind, let us look intently toward our Governing Body and make a brief rundown:

Samuel Herd - Baldhead
Geoffrey Jackson - Baldhead
Stephen Lett - Baldhead
Anthony Morris III - Baldhead
Mark Sanderson - Baldhead
David Splane - Baldhead

At any moment, there may be she-bears coming for this author! This is good and acceptable in the eyes of Jehovah.

Also, the fact that they were she-bears shows that anything with ovaries is evil, which is why we don't respect women. What a loving arrangement!

Daily Text 12/6/2016

"If a man has a son who is stubborn and rebellious and he does not obey his father or his mother, and they have tried to correct him but he refuses to listen to them, his father and his mother should take hold of him and bring him out to the elders at the gate of his city and say to the elders of his city, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious, and he refuses to obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of his city must stone him to death. So you must remove what is bad from your midst, and all Israel will hear and become afraid." - Deuteronomy 21-18:21

Are we not grateful that Jehovah resorts to threats whenever he doesn't get his way? As we can see, not only does he threaten children with death for not behaving, but he does it explicitly because he wants to freak people out so they fall in line. What a loving arrangement!

Can we imitate this kind, loving example? Just like Jehovah, we would do well to threaten our children with expulsion from their group of friends and browbeat them into submission. For example, we can do our best not to "spare the rod" by beating them with an actual rod. Other loving Christian parents report using wooden spoons, belts and other apparatuses. This is good and acceptable in the eyes of our God. If this type of punishment was good enough for Jehovah and the other faithful men of old, then surely we can agree that it is acceptable to us as well.