Monday, November 28, 2016

Daily Text 11/28/2016

"And Jehovah called for all the children of the camp of the Israelites to come forward and be diddled. And the children were diddled, and this was pleasing in the eyes of Jehovah." - Molestations 2:8

How do we react when we hear of apostate-driven lies such as proven, verifiable facts about our mishandling of molestation cases? Do we pay attention and silently mouth the words "Holy shit!" to ourselves? Or do we put our full confidence in the assholes that got us here?

It's important to note that nowhere in the Bible does it mention anything about pedophilia, so as Jehovah's servants, we're in the clear and don't have to worry! Granted, it says nothing about masturbation, smoking or beards and we've been perfectly content to make rules about those things, but we can evidently conclude that Jehovah cares more about the tightness of your pants than he does about how some people's pants tighten around children. Praise be to our loving heavenly Father!

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Daily Text 11/23/2016

"Jehovah spoke further to Moses, saying: “I have heard the murmurings of the Israelites. Tell them, ‘At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be satisfied with bread, and you will certainly know that I am Jehovah your God.’” So that evening quail came and covered the camp, and in the morning a layer of dew was all around the camp. When the layer of dew evaporated, there was a fine, flaky substance on the surface of the wilderness, as fine as frost on the ground." Exodus 16:11-14

As the rest of this wicked world begins their time of feasts, we as God's chosen faithful servants do well to remember the example of the Israelites. They complained about needing meat to have a balanced diet, so Jehovah basically said, "Fine, motherfuckers. Here's all the goddamned meat you can eat. I hope you choke." Then when they ate the meat he got mad. This demonstrates his love, somehow.

However, as we note from the above scripture, he provides in other ways. While we are wise not to speculate on the true substance of manna, the quail appeared, then the next morning the ground was covered. Therefore, it would be fair to assume that manna is quail shit.

Therefore, when someone tells us that Thanksgiving and other holiday feasts are inappropriate, we would do well to imitate our loving heavenly Father and tell them all to eat shit.