Monday, January 23, 2017

Daily Text 1/23/2017

"Horses seized with sexual heat, having strong testicles, they have become. They neigh each one to the wife of his companion." - Jeremiah 5:8

Some have accused this publication of fabricating scriptures. Never may that be so! We worry people who make these baseless accusations could be considered apostates, and should rightly be shunned, and then killed in Armageddon, then everyone who once knew them should forget about them forever. And deservedly so!

To that end, for today's text, we're showing a scripture that absolutely, definitely appears in the Bible. Make no mistake, this is a scripture that you can look up in your very own copy. Are we not joyful that such edifying material appears in a book that we gladly hand to children and make them read along with us? Do we not appreciate the loving arrangement of our Heavenly Father who has provided such material to us, so that we may hurriedly skip over it while tittering and blushing?

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Daily Text 1/19/2017

"And Jesus spoke again to his disciples, saying, 'You are all so happy. I mean, just happy happy, do you hear me? If you are not happy, it's either that you're doing something wrong or it's just that this system of things is so bad that it's making you sad. It's probably you though. Try harder!'" - Frustrations 16:1,2

Do we not rejoice constantly due to the invention of antidepressants? Do we not feel a general numbness at life in general because of the sweet, sweet medicine coursing through our bodies? It certainly has to do with this wicked system of things making the lives of Jehovah's Witnesses that much harder, even though most people aren't on antidepressants as much as we are.

This is why the Faithful and Discreet Slave has seen fit to provide a new supplement for our loyal brothers and sisters. It's not a book, brochure or even a video! It's a pill called Fukitol, available at the literature counter for a small donation! It's really just rebranded Skittles soaked in rum, but after enough of these babies, you won't even care that you're in a totalitarian organization! It works for the Bethel family, it'll work for you too!

Monday, January 16, 2017

Daily Text 1/16/2017

"For sin must not be master over you, seeing that you are not under law but under undeserved kindness." - Romans 6:14

 Do we not appreciate God's undeserved kindness to us? Although, try not to think too hard about the concept. I mean, it basically means that God could be a total dick to you if he wanted, but he chooses not to be and wants you to be happy about it. That's really a low standard of behavior, if you ask us. It's like he's saying to us, "I could punch you in the arm right now, but I won't do that. Ain't I a great guy? WORSHIP ME." But it's OK because it comes from Jehovah!

Other translations render this phrase as the word 'grace.' To be sure, the concept of grace includes some measure of doing something nice even though the person doesn't deserve it, but the overall concept is more focused on blessings and kindness. As Jehovah's true Witnesses, we choose to bring to the fore the 'undeserved' part of the phrase. We're just loving like that!

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Daily Text 1/12/2017

"And then the widow gave the two small coins, which means that you should give us all your money." - Donations 13:3

 When we beg for more money on JW Broadcasting, what is your reaction? We sincerely hope that as loyal and faithful servants of the Most High God Jehovah you pleeeeeease give us your money. We're building a jacuzzi at Warwick, and we'd like to fill it up with platypus tears.

But there are other reasons to give us your money! For example, were you aware that we're giving away lots of money in child abuse lawsuits? I hope you weren't, because otherwise it would be really weird that we're basically hurting people, getting fined for it, and then kicking the bill down to you. There's no guarantee that we're not going to mistreat you either. What a loving and kind arrangement!

Monday, January 9, 2017

Daily Text 1/9/2017

"And you shall have no other gods than me, do you hear? For I shall stamp my feet petulantly and murder the fuck out of you, I swear to Me." - Overreactions 6:9

Are Jehovah's Witnesses not the most joyful people on Earth? For if we are not the most joyful, then holy shit, what are we doing with our life. But we are! So everything's great!

 And we would never, ever want to lose that joy by doing something so distressing as "thinking," "applying rational thought to doctrines," or even, God forbid, "asking questions." Woe to those who do such things, for they will die at Armageddon, where birds will eat their eyeballs and worms will eat their flesh and rats will eat their testicles but none of the people who survived will have any diseases that could possibly be caused by billions of rotting corpses because reasons.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Daily Text 12/29/2016

"And a three-fold cord cannot be quickly torn in two, unless one of the cords realizes that the supposedly BIG cord is actually invisible, and the other cord is obsessed with the invisible cord, and it's more interested in being wrapped around that one than the one that's actually real." - Divorces 3:15

The surest sign that we are in God's spirit-directed organization is the fact that whenever anyone leaves their life is thrown into turmoil. Some vile, wicked apostates may claim that the turmoil is caused by the organization and their practices, but that would be folly on their part.

After all, God's organization encourages us to wrap our entire lives around a religion to the exclusion of anything else, and then makes sure that anyone who doesn't want to be there is completely and totally shunned. They also make sure to pick at relationships between believers and non-believers until the believers truly believe there's something wrong with their spouse, while also isolating them from the people who truly care about them unequivocally. I forgot where we were going with this, but anyone who says we wreck marriages is lying! No take-backsies.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Daily Text 12/23/2016

"So E'hud came to him as he was sitting alone in his cool roof chamber. Then E'hud said: “I have a message from God for you.” So he rose up from his throne. Then E'hud drew the sword from his right thigh with his left hand and plunged it into his belly. The handle went in after the blade, and the fat closed in over the blade, for he did not draw the sword out of his belly, and the fecal matter came out. E'hud went out through the porch, closing the doors of the roof chamber behind him and locking them." - Judges 3:20-23

Are we not grateful for some of the Assassin's Creed shit that goes down in the Bible? We can surely we grateful for a sweet-ass action sequence, and the one-liner is boss, I'm not going to lie to you.

It is telling that Ehud has not been seen together with Batman, nor has Batman been seen with any of the other faithful men of old. Does this mean that Ehud is a prophetic representation of Batman? We are wise not to speculate, but since we're the Society, we're going to strongly insinuate that it could be, then when you actually teach it we'll firmly deny it, then print a pissy article where we wonder where someone would have gotten such a crazy idea because it wasn't us, no sir.